Gratitude on being alone

Tonight, chatting with a friend brought me to a realisation of the immensity of my buying a house here, far away from my family.  

Truly, it is therefore only my feeling that this is the best place for me and in developing my relationship with God that I am not in panic mode.  To fully realise that if anything happens, I have no one to turn to other than Him because all my support system a.k.a. my family are back in Singapore.  A friend once reminded me that even if I were to be in Singapore, I might not be able to rely on my family.  But still there is that illusion and state of presumption that your family will always be there.  Being alone on the other hand makes clear that I have no one and is dependent on His mercy.  Thus I am grateful for the people He has sent my way thus far.

More than that, I am grateful for this chance to develop my relationship with Him further.  Blessings are also the means by which He tests us.  The blessing of owning my own place, I realise is a test for me. May I always be amongst those who are always grateful and draw ever closer to Him.

Ameen

Reflection on the phrase "Indeed, from God and to God is the return"

In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Dispenser of Grace

"Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un" (From God and to Him is the return)

An often used phrase amongst Muslim.  Where I come from, they use it when someone passes away.  In other parts of the world, they use it when they lose something or when calamity strikes.

But tonight as it is the last night of my stay in Shahidah's house and the beginning of another chapter in my life - that of a house owner, of putting down roots - it takes on a different meaning to me.  I actually have had the house for the past month and actually officially moved my things on the day of Hajj...three weeks ago.  I have just been dragging my heels at actually moving physically.

But why do I mention the Hajj?  It is because last year there was a lesson I learned that I need to remind myself of as I embark on this new journey.  That lesson was that I am in this world as a traveller and the best and fastest way to travel is to travel lightly...only gather the provisions that I need.  From God, I came and I am journeying to Him.  This world pulls at me...to linger and just stay a little longer to enjoy the comfort of the known.  Just like I lingered these weeks in part due to the comfort of the known instead of braving the unknown.  To be a traveller, this past year has taught me that I cannot continue to stagnate and luxuriate in my comfort zone but take the brave step towards the Unknowable.

How, you can ask, can buying a house and putting roots down equate to taking another step in my journey back to God?  It is because this time, I am completely dependent on Him for my shelter.  No longer do I depend on my parents' love and kindness to shelter me in their house nor my housemates' kindness to share the burden nor my landlords'/landlady's kindness to rent out the place.  No, this time, I have to depend on God to provide me with my rezk (provision) to pay towards the shelter.  It was not made lightly - it was and still is scary because if anything happens, my house can be repossessed and I will be homeless.  Therefore, a trust in God is vital.

It is also a form of a challenge - a traveller should travel lightly...I always thought it meant that I should own as little as possible so that I don't become attach.  Even though I know of the story of the sufi 'student' who was living in poverty in order to renounce the world and who bade a guest to give his regards to his sheikh.  The guest found the sheikh living in a palace and was puzzled.  To be 'zuhud' does not mean that you renounce the world but that world has no hold on you.

Can I then, even as I set up and own my own house and put down roots, still be that traveller on whom the world (in the form of the house and the roots) has no hold on?  Can I make use of the house to be instead a vehicle to advance me onwards on my return journey?

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un now takes on a different meaning - that of an ongoing journey, a journey not in time or space but in that timelessness of the soul - a journey of experiences accumulated through each decision I take, exercising the only power that God has granted to me - my free will.  Each decision unfolds to a new experience which leads to a new understanding of my relationship with Him.  And as I stand on the brink of the next experience, the fruit of my decision to buy a house, I stand in wonder and in apprehension as to what new light will be shed on this relationship.  What I can be sure of is that the return to Him is constant and continuous...that every quantum of time, I am constantly returning to Him through the unfolding of the present.

Inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raji'un.